My fateful first of countless MRIs exposed a very grim prognosis. Sitting in neurosurgeon Dr. Linda Sternau's office while staring at an image of a golf ball-sized tumor in the dead center of my brain, an overwhelming wave of emotions crashed through me. Time stopped. My connection with the present moment was forever changed.
Suddenly reality was a panoramic view in which I was able to feel, see, and interact with the past, present, and future simultaneously.
The power of this panorama extinguished my fears about cancer and instead providing a deep intuitive calmness, continually stoking a peaceful eternal fire I needed in order to endure my ensuing treatment: a hell of two brain surgeries (within five days), intense chemotherapy, and full brain and spine radiation.
Panoramic time was at first a blessing, then a curse, and now a blessing once again. Before diagnosis I was in a complete state of denial about my life threatening symptoms, as with many other toxic behaviors and relationships in my life. Cancer and its treatment effectively focused life to a singular goal of survival, creating a euphoric consciousness that steadily transformed life long significant problems into insularly thoughts, ultimately never to arise again.
Ironically my days after cancer were even harder to navigate than life before and even during treatment itself, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder along with a severely damaged body left me feeling cursed and wishing to be the healthy, seemingly carefree person I once was.
After six years of struggling with feelings of regret, worthlessness, and shame, I now with great humility accept and appreciate the incredible blessing of my current life as it is. Feeling a peaceful admiration for the past, contently understanding the present as much as anyone can, and am undoubtedly optimistic about the future.
released June 17, 2014
Main Tracking recorded at Honor Roll Studios Miami, FL
Recording, Engineering, Mixing by: Brian Robertson
Additional sessions recorded at Cross Bridge Studio Coral Gables, FL
Recorded and Engineered by: Rajan Purcell
Mastering by: Patrick Hart
Co-Produced by: Brian Robertson, Rajan Purcell, Richard Hargett
A huge thank you to all the musicians who helped me bring this music to life, and also to Honor Roll Studios for their past and continued support.
To my Nurses, Hospital Staff, and Doctors thank for your hard work, patience, and love that saved my life.
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